Of Poo and Parenting

I have few simple requests in life. I like a sunny stroll now and again. I enjoy an occasional bubble bath. I love a fresh-baked donut in the morning. And I like having as little to do with human feces as possible. Friends, I beg you is it too much to ask? Apparently, yes if you are the proud mother of the most anal-retentive child on the planet. I will spare you the details of "the incident". Suffice it to say at around eight-o-clock last night Brooklyn found herself trapped inside the bathroom- a poo lying menacingly between herself and the door.

Now don't judge me too harshly. Since I have become a mother I have dealt with my share of nasty diapers, vomit, and various bodily fluids- most times with a great deal of patience and understanding. But "when poo is found where poo ought not to be, it becomes the responsibility of he of whom it was created, once that person is above age three." Not only is that a lovely bit of poetry, but it is also my motto. Plus I think its in the Bible somewhere. Old Testament. So anyways, everyone in the family felt that Brook really ought to be the one to put said poo to rest in the toilet where it belonged, seeing as it was her fecal matter and all. She disagreed. She strongly disagreed. She swore in her wrath that she would not ever, ever, ever pick up that poo. I suggested if she planned on spending a great deal of time with the poo she ought to ask for its name. Andy asked her if her new friend was too good for its home. She didn't laugh, or even crack a smile. I suppose it was hard to see the humor from her perspective, holed up as she was with the silently ominous poo.

After some soul-searching and some Clorox wipes, she did eventually farewell the poo in a flush of triumph. And I believe that once she works through the emotional trauma of our questionable parenting techniques, that she will have learned some valuable lessons. Firstly, that she is ultimately responsible for dealing with her own crap (effective on so many levels). Secondly, in the midst of life's most horrific moments Happy Gilmore references are still funny. And most importantly, poo will out.

Pass the Tylenol

I think a lot. I think about the present and how exhausted I am. I think about how large I am getting and wonder how much more my body can take. I think that I would enjoy a bundt cake. I think that other women are better at this than I am. I wonder why it sometimes seems Heavenly Father requires more of me than I am capable of giving. I wonder why He doesn't give me strength and patience and endurance. Then it occurs to me He is teaching me strength, patience, and endurance. I think I'm a slacker student. I think I need to lie down. I think my girls are very cute. I think they deserve more. I think Heavenly Father must know something I don't know. I think about this new baby. I think about newborn baby smell. I think about little toes. I think about holding her. I think if I can just make it two more months of pregnancy without going insane, maybe everything will be alright. I think if I had more energy. I think if I could lead a more balanced life. I think if I laid off the bundt cake. I think about playing in the backyard with my girls this summer. I think about planting annuals. I think about scrubbing the bathtub and washing the windows. I think about fitting into my clothes again. I think about taking three children to the grocery store. I think not. I think about how lucky I am to be a mother. I think about how overwhelming it is to be a mother. I think about how quickly time goes by. I think about how far I've come and how far I have to go. I think I need to slow down and take it one day at a time. I think too much.

Top Five Sappiest Love Songs You Sing in the Shower

Let's not deny it. When you fancy no one can hear you with the water pouring down around your ears and a locked door between you and the rest of humanity, you might get a little overconfident in your singing abilities. Maybe lose some of those inhibitions that hold you back. And you sound good my friend. I mean real good. So good you sort of wish a talent scout would accidentally wander into your house because you know he would be blown away by that shockingly awesome voice of yours. Perhaps you should invest in a kareoke machine. Perhaps you should try out for American Idol. Perhaps..."you're worrying the children. Are you wounded?"

Here's to those songs that enhance all your embarassing moments, those songs so cheesy they give Velveeta a run for its money, those songs that make you laugh and dry-heave and break out in melodramatic song simultaneously. Here are my nominated "Top Five Sappiest Love Songs You Sing in the Shower"... Because you know you do.
1. "I'm Your Lady"
2. "Take My Breath Away"
3. "Fever"
4. "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
5. "You're the Inspiration"

Enjoy them on my playlist below.
Angie, Wayne, Shana, Amy, and Anna: YOU IS TAGGED!

Love Languages

There are five love languages/ five ways we express love/ five ways in which we feel loved. No more, no less. FIVE is the correct answer. Some of us are fluent in love. Some of us are bilingual. Some of us speak with a British accent. But some of us are less eloquent, stuttering, lisping, mispronouncing, and generally making arses of ourselves. If you find yourself in the latter category, here are a list of tips for you this lovely Valentine's season. Enjoy.

Love Language #1: Quality Time

Poor Norman. He just wanted some one-on-one. That's what made him feel special. A private conversation, with plenty of eye contact. A little mutual bonding. Time spent together in pleasant activity- like taking a walk together, sharing a bundt cake, playing a board game, taxidermy...

Why not take some time for your favorite psycho this Valentine's Day. A little quality time goes a long way.

Love Language # 2: Words of Affirmation

For Grima, a simple, "I love you." would have really made his day. He needed a little verbal reassurance. Maybe a "thank you for folding the laundry, Grima," or a "your hair looks especially wet today, Grima," or a "You certainly have a knack for emotional-manipulation, Grima."

Don't let another day pass you by. Take the opportunity to say what's in your heart.



Love Language #3: Gifts
All Xerxes wanted was the world. He showed his affection through gift-giving. All he wanted were a few gifts in return. Like a thoughtful card, or that new sweater he's been eyeing, maybe another golden-piercing, or countless, subordinate minions. It isn't the price tag, but the thought that counts.

Be kind. Put some thought into the gifts you give.




Love Language #4: Physical Touch

Give him a Baby Ruth and he's yours for a day. But what makes Sloth really feel loved is a hug, or a slobbery kiss, wrestling in a tickle war, or a good cuddle on the couch, watching pirate movies.

Don't be a goonie. Show your love with a little physical affection.

Love Language #5: Acts of Service
The question isn't what would Gollum do for his Precious, but what wouldn't he do for his Precious. Suffer torture in the hands of cruel orcses? Take out the garbage? Hike across Middle Earth? Give a back- message? Dive into the fiery depths of Mt. Doom? Make a favorite dinner?

Find ways to serve your Precious. When your love is truly giving it will come back to you ten-fold.