I do in fact realize that I have had more bizarre and embarrassing experiences than the average human being. Maybe its just rotten luck. Maybe I cause it. Whatever the reason, I have come to accept that it is the price I pay everyday for being me. With that in mind you'll have to excuse me for being a little paranoid, even fearful of seemingly non-threatening objects/ situations including: pottery wheels, Ikea, volleyball nets, rope-swings, phones, drive-thrus, spiders, friendly gestures, leaping, multi-tasking, and geese. While all make for entertaining stories, today's story is about a goose. An exceptionally e-vile goose we will call Jorge. He wasn't a Mexican goose or anything. His parents just happened to like the name.
When Brooklyn was a baby, Andy and I lived in a little townhouse in Murray. We liked our little townhouse, and all the identical surrounding townhouses. We liked the landscaping and the pool. We even liked our neighbor who covered all his windows with tin-foil. The only downside to our little townhouse was the fact that Jorge lived on the roof. Not directly on top of our unit, but close enough to observe our comings and goings. And the thing is, he didn't seem to pay mind to anyone else's comings and goings. No, he only had eyes for me. Beady, angry eyes.
I don't know what I did to offend him. But he watched for me. And at the sight of my attempting a stroll with my infant, looking nervously about, he would launch unwarranted attack. Swooping at my head, charging me with his vicious hissing beak, flapping his dirty great wings. Yes, Jorge was a real douche.
I called the condo manager, but she liked Jorge and considered him an asset to the community. I considered calling animal control, but figured Jorge had people on the inside. Retaliation was my only option. My next walk I played it cool. I pushed the stroller casually, looking straight ahead, whistling, all the while aware of Jorge's ever- ominous presence. I was not disappointed. He appeared suddenly from behind a bush and slowly turned his face towards mine. Our eyes met. I could feel his hatred permeate the street between us. I stepped towards him. He seemed surprised.
"You seem surprised," I quietly taunted. He hissed menacingly and took two steps towards me. Tension mounted. "Freedom!" I shouted as I ran at him. He dodged me and tried to bite my calf. But I had a secret weapon. Before he knew it, I had my flip flop in hand and was delivering a beating the likes of which he will never forget. A car drove past us. I can only imagine what the people inside it were thinking.
"Check out that crazy barefooted lady beating that beautiful, defenseless creature of nature!"
No matter. Brooklyn thought it was a jolly fun show, and Jorge received his comeuppance. Unfortunately, he was more of an emotional than a logical thinker and continued to threaten me every chance he got, but I did observe the haunted look in his eye and his reluctantly kept distance whenever I reached for my shoe.
8 comments:
That's right. I assaulted a goose. Bring it.
I have no bones with you beating a goose. Those birds can be dang scary. So can roosters. One time Chad and I were enjoying a picnic outside of Knott's Berry Farm, thinking, "Hey. How come nobody else is eating lunch in this beautiful, serene picnic area?" Just then one little rooster peeked his little head out of a bush. "Awww... cute!" I said. Then another peeked his head out. And another, and another...pretty soon we were surrounded from all sides, and then they charged. We ran away and they followed. The only way we got them to stop bugging us is to feed them chicken. Dirty canibals.
Geese are a very aggressive species of water foul. Maybe it's because people hunt them for sport and they know it. Maybe they are getting back at the human race for constantly throwing stale bread crumbs at them. Maybe they were sent to Earth by Satan, like our dearly departed Devil Cat. Who knows, but my kids, though terrified, sure love to throw stale bread crumbs at them. Good story!
I love it, Honey! I'm glad you finally wrote about it, great story!
I wish I could have seen the "Great Goose Gambol"! The flip-flop was a good idea, but a broom would have been slightly more effective.
I remember you telling how Brookie laughed. I wonder what she'd do now?
what a good thanksgiving story: thankful it wasn't me. reminds me of christmas story when the family goes and eats the duck. all birds look alike to me (wings, some fly, some attack)...and they are more freaks of nature than defenseless, like the crow.
That story is hilarious, but one of my worst nightmares. Birds freak me out! Sure, they may be colorful, graceful and even pretty from afar, but they just freak me out! I grew up with all sorts of animals in the house at one time or another - dogs, cats, fish, ferrets, rabbits, chinchillas, rats, snakes, even a pig at one point. I'm OK with just about anything, except birds. So I have no qualms with you assaulting a goose.
Geese are sooo mean! I don't like them. My aunt had a few and they would always bite & chase you. Cody and I once saw a goose chasing two HUGE men down the street in Cobb. It was very funny.. as long as I was in the car. So Diana, even big boys run from Geese, but you gave it a fight. You should be very proud of yourself.
YOU ARE SO BRAVE!! I admit Jorge would have won through intimidation if he were up against me.
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