My Slothful Ways

My question to you: Are you ready for some hardcore whining? Because honestly, I feel like I was just beat, head to toe, with a sack of hot nickles. Though I am not yet thirty, yet I feel a solid eighty years old. Allow me to paint you a picture people.
No cute pregnant lady am I. I have already gained 35lbs and expect to gain a'plenty more by the time this kidos done a'cookin. What is that nerve that runs down your right side into your bum? Yeah, that one that shoots pain through my body when I move and makes me walk like a zombie from Night of the Living Dead? The psychotic nerve? What?
And what is up with this vile cold I've got going? This motha's unleashed several restless nights on me regardless of the Tylenol Cold I'm all doped up on. And for the few hours I did get a little shut-eye last night, I was busy escaping snarky, secretive, sparkling vampires, which was perhaps even more exhausting than all the tossing and turning I was doing trying to get comfortable with this watermelon I call a belly. Then I got really thirsty at about three in the morning and had to psychotic-nerve my way into the kitchen, running into walls, making noises like a creature from the dark swamp. I terrify small children. I'm a MONSTER!
This morning Avery and I had a ten minute argument about whether or not we have any bananas in the pantry. I don't even know who won that debate. I put her in front of "The Lion King" and let it go.
There are women out there who make this look easy. There are women out there who can pull off being pregnant AND fully functional. I am glad that I can make those women feel really good about themselves as I lounge on the sofa in my pj's like this sloth, only slightly less motivated and significantly less attractive, wishing we DID have friggin' bananas in the pantry.
That moron Fred Durst, had it right when he so knowingly stated, "Its just one of those days". Indeed it IS Fred. Indeed it is. Only 96 more days to go! Whoopidy-do!

Lay Off, I'm STARVING!

I have honestly never been more excited about Thanksgiving than I am right now. One week away and I already have visions of bacon-baked green beans dancing in my head. Turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, my mother-in-law's killer stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce and pecan pie! Pumpkin pie! Marshmallow-crusted sweet potatoes! Yes please. Momma's eating for two. So what if one of us is roughly the size of a baseball? This is one ravenous fetus! Pardon me, but "What to Expect When You're Expecting"s Best Odds Diet can kiss my creepy second-toe. I feel like I'm giving life to a Velociraptor. This is my third pregnancy and I am reluctantly accepting that the closer I come to resembling Jabba the Hut during pregnancy, the happier my babies are. So as much as I would like to stay within the bounds of regular weight-gain this time around, my body is telling me to forget it. Afterall, I still have three more years before my metabolism shuts down right? Bring on the real whipped cream; the fetus wants what the fetus wants!

This Fetus is Sucking Away My Life Force.

This fetus is sucking away my life force.

If You Can't Say Something Nice.

You want a new post do you? YOU WANT A NEW POST? Let me entertain you. So I haven't been my usual congenial self lately. Though I have hurled but twice, yet everyday for the past oh, I don't know, I have had to suppress the urge to do so. Because suddenly I have a heightened sense of smell so keen I could be used to track down criminals. And what an incredible smell I have discovered. My house reeks. That air-freshener I so enjoyed a couple weeks ago, my shampoo, the refrigerator, the garbage cans, toilets, the carpet, my children, my husband. *shudder* Even my own scent makes me dry heave. I also have a severe aversion to anyone touching my stomach, or having to change diapers, or having to move at all really. And I cry a lot, all of which make it more challenging to be my home-making, outgoing, ever-witty self. But I don't like to complain. I like to look at the glass half full. Like at least I know I stink. Some people go through life never realizing. And I imagine that could really hold you back in your various endeavors.