superhero

... of three things I was sure. First, that Edward was a vampire. Second, some part of him thirsted for my blood. Third, I was idiotically and irrevocably in love with him...

"I don't know how to put this, Bella, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm going to throw this out there and if you don't like it, throw it right back... I want to eat you."

"Common sense tells me I should Van Helsing your glorious, sparkly hiney... and yet I'll admit I'm flattered. You're a straight shooter and I can't fault you for that. Wanna be my boyfriend?"

"I watch you while you sleep."

"You're so cute when you're creepy."

"No seriously, Bella I'm probably going to kill you. I almost killed you just now. You don't even know."

"You're not the boss of me! I love you! Make me a vampire."

"And spend eternal damnation listening to your incessant whining? Not bloody likely."

"Come on! Please, please, Edward, please? Pretty please, please Edward, PLEASE!"

YOMP! Ahhhhh! sllluuuurrpppp...

The End

Holy Lack of Creativity Bat Man!

I don't know what it is. Normally, in the word department, I overfloweth. I'm good at expressing myself; a little too good. Both on the internet and off I've chastised myself for being too wordy; talking too much, letting my posts go a little long. Not so lately. I can't talk good no mo. I can't write no mo. I embarass myself attempting to recapture some of that old wit. Apparently that well is all dried up. Too bad I'm not really good at anything else. What's that? What about volleyball, you ask? Yeah, I was lying. I suck. Last time I played my face became entangled in the net and everyone literally fell to the ground from laughing so hard. How fun for them. Thanks for bringing it up, jerk.

No, I've never been good at anything other than writing and making a fool of myself. Still pretty good at the latter. Its nice to know I can still make people laugh one way or another.

Love Languages

There are five love languages/ five ways we express love/ five ways in which we feel loved. No more, no less. FIVE is the correct answer. Some of us are fluent in love. Some of us are bilingual. Some of us speak with a British accent. But some of us are less eloquent, stuttering, lisping, mispronouncing, and generally making arses of ourselves. If you find yourself in the latter category, here are a list of tips for you this lovely Valentine's season. Enjoy.

Love Language #1: Quality Time

Poor Norman. He just wanted some one-on-one. That's what made him feel special. A private conversation, with plenty of eye contact. A little mutual bonding. Time spent together in pleasant activity- like taking a walk together, sharing a bundt cake, playing a board game, taxidermy...

Why not take some time for your favorite psycho this Valentine's Day. A little quality time goes a long way.

Love Language # 2: Words of Affirmation

For Grima, a simple, "I love you." would have really made his day. He needed a little verbal reassurance. Maybe a "thank you for folding the laundry, Grima," or a "your hair looks especially wet today, Grima," or a "You certainly have a knack for emotional-manipulation, Grima."

Don't let another day pass you by. Take the opportunity to say what's in your heart.



Love Language #3: Gifts
All Xerxes wanted was the world. He showed his affection through gift-giving. All he wanted were a few gifts in return. Like a thoughtful card, or that new sweater he's been eyeing, maybe another golden-piercing, or countless, subordinate minions. It isn't the price tag, but the thought that counts.

Be kind. Put some thought into the gifts you give.




Love Language #4: Physical Touch

Give him a Baby Ruth and he's yours for a day. But what makes Sloth really feel loved is a hug, or a slobbery kiss, wrestling in a tickle war, or a good cuddle on the couch, watching pirate movies.

Don't be a goonie. Show your love with a little physical affection.

Love Language #5: Acts of Service
The question isn't what would Gollum do for his Precious, but what wouldn't he do for his Precious. Suffer torture in the hands of cruel orcses? Take out the garbage? Hike across Middle Earth? Give a back- message? Dive into the fiery depths of Mt. Doom? Make a favorite dinner?

Find ways to serve your Precious. When your love is truly giving it will come back to you ten-fold.

My Resolutions

Six days into the new year, I have just completed my list of resolutions which have nothing to do with the above picture. Number One: stop procrastinating the making of this year's resolutions. Done and done. Wow, I already feel a satisfied sense of accomplishment. Number Two: Stop using sarcasm to mask my childlike vulnerabilities. Check. Question: Why would Disney make a children's movie about a beloved family dog who acquires rabies while protecting said family and then has to be shot and die? Uncool Disney, uncool. Number Three: Childlike vulnerabilities too painful, revert back to sarcasm. Number Four: Eat more fiber. Number Five: Be more proactive, less deactive. Number Six: Have a baby. Number Seven: Lose pregnancy weight so people will stop confusing me with Drew Carey. No I don't know who's line it is. Number eight: Try Sushi. Number nine: Find ways to keep from freaking out. SERENITY NOW! Number ten: Be in bed by eleven. Except on book club night. Or if we have friends over. Or if its Friday night. Or Saturday night. Or if we're having a 24 marathon. Otherwise its nighty-NIGHT! Numbers eleven through fifteen: Read scriptures daily, have more meaningful prayers, enjoy the every day of being a mom, avoid pessimism, and read at least one book a month.

And there you have it. One step at a time towards total domination.

The New Super Movie Line Ultimate Knock Down Champion Is...

Todd! Missing only seven.
Second Place: Shana and Angie tie. Well Done Everybody!

1. Billy Madison
2. Braveheart
3. The Breakfast Club
4. Bring it On
5. Charlie's Angels
6. The Fellowship of the Ring
7. Edward Scissorhands (nobody got this one!)
8. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
9. A Few Good Men
10. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
11. As Good As it Gets
12. Beetlejuice
13. Batman
14. Back to the Future I
15. Austin Powers II
16. Billy Madison
17. Nacho Libre
18. 300
19. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
20. Office Space
21. Orange County
22. The Usual Suspects
23. The Others (nobody got this one either)
24. The Princess Bride
25. Psycho
26. Strange Brew
27. Happy Gilmore
28. The Matrix
29. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
30. The Wedding Singer
31. Napoleon Dynamite
32. Groundhog Day
33. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
34. Mars Attack!
35. Napoleon Dynamite
36. A Series of Unfortunate Events
37. Drop Dead Gorgeous
38. Blades of Glory
39. Juno
40. Shrek

Super Movie Line Ultimate Knock Down Championship

I declare myself the Super Movie Line Ultimate Knock Down Champion. Anybody wishing to challenge my title will please email their answers to disortor@gmail.com. Also, if you would like to test me please feel free to leave your favorite movie line under "comments". May the force be with you. No using the internet to cheat. Angie I'm looking your way.

1. "No milk will ever be our milk."
2. "I didn't like him anyway. He wasn't right in the head."
3. "Face it, you're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie. What would you be doing if you weren't making yourself a better citizen?"
4. "Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded."
5. "The Chad is great."
6. "Ash nazg durbatuluh."
7. "You can't buy the necessities of life with cookies."
8. "I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nose punk leave my cheese out in the wind."
9. "What are we going to discuss next, my favorite color?"
10. "Do you know the dolphin? Do you call him at home?"
11. "Must try other people's clean silverware as part of fun of dining out."
12. "Don't mind her. She's just upset that someone dropped a house on her sister."
13. "I've been dead once already, its very liberating."
14. "Last night Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't take (name) out that he'd melt my brain."
15. "You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California."
16. "'Sorry' doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it (name)?"
17. "I'm a little concerned right now, about your salvation and stuff."
18. "Bow to Xerxes!"
19. "A lot of respectable people have been hit by trains."
20. "It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."
21. "A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed, you're not gay!"
22. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
23. "Are you mad? I am your daughter!"
24. "Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
25. "We all go a little mad sometimes."
26. "The power of the force has stopped you, you hosers!"
27. "Good news, everybody! We're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today."
28. "I know kung fu."
29. "This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who!"
30. "We're living in a material world and I am a material girl. Or boy."
31. "Smashing in the face of a pinata that resembles (name) is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire gem state."
32. "Well what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today."
33. "Nothing shocks me, I'm a scientist."
34. "I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of government working for them, and that ain't bad!"
35. "She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining every body's lives and eating all our steak!"
36. "I've opened my heart to you two loverly children and your hideous primate."
37. "The swan ate my baby!"
38. "No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more than I love this brush."
39. "This is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."
40. "I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder!"

Desert Island: Part One

"One of the world's tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island, because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want." - Lemony Snicket

Imagine you are weightless, floating in the ocean, surrounded by tiny little sea horses... no wait even better you're in the middle of a sweltering desert island, the white-hot sun on your face. Just you and one loan palm tree. Totally destitute. After weeping bitterly over the loss of everything you had in this world, you suddenly realize this isn't entirely accurate. "I am miraculously still in possession of my five favorite books of all time!" You shout to the palm tree you will eventually name Roy. "Man, being stuck on this desert island doesn't seem half so unfortunate now! I suddenly feel very optimistic about my future." Never mind how your books managed to outlast the apparent catastrophe that landed you in this forgotten nothingness. What five books did you bring?

Ten Reasons Why I'd Rather: Part One

A wise man once said, "To pick up clothes and wash them, dry them, fold them, and put them away is the lamest, most time-consuming chore known to man." And you know what? He was absolutely correct. You know what else? It wasn't a man who said it, it was a woman. And that woman was me. I have no beef with the dishes. No problem vacuuming, or washing the windows. But laundry is the never ending gentle cycle from hell. My Friends, I give you Ten Reasons Why I'd Rather Eat Canned Spinach Than Do My Laundry...

1. While canned spinach smells horrible, Andy's stinky socks smell far less appetizing.
2. Disgusting as it may be, spinach is packed with vitamins. Who knows what's packed in my children's pockets.
3. Eating an entire can of spinach couldn't take longer than forty-five minutes. Completing a single load of laundry could take me forty-five years.
4. I would rather have Popeye on my side than that creepy snugly bear. Popeye has more integrity and would probably make a better friend. I guarantee you that snugly bear has a shady past and is not to be trusted. Plus Popeye could kick the crap out of snugly bear.
5. Puke stains.
6. Yes I've heard of Spray and Wash. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
7. Spinach doesn't shrink to baby-doll size when you accidentally dry it.
8. If I save half the can of spinach for later, it doesn't grow into an unconquerable pile of spinach so enormous and deep I fear for my children lest they fall into its murky depths.
9. My mom has yet to become so concerned about my ability to eat canned spinach than she gives me a step-step-book about how to go about it.
10. There are limitless cans of spinach in the world but I have nothing left to wear.