The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People

Habit #Uno: Be inactive. A rad dude once said, "Everything I learned, I absorbed through the placenta." Because let's face it- learning is dumb. It often requires time, effort, and admitting that you don't already know everything, which is no fun at all. Its a lot more fun doing whatever the heck you feel like all the while maintaining that you're such a genius the normal rules of study, hard work, and social etiquette don't apply to you. After all, what does success matter when you can skate through life on pure, unadulterated cerebellum?

Habit # Deux: Begin with no end in mind. Unless your goals include eating your weight in Krispie Kremes, perfecting your Christopher Walken impersonation, or simply being kickass (which you know you already are), goal setting is lame. If you never set goals you'll never feel bad about yourself when you inevitably fail to reach them.

Habit # tri: Prioritize. Who has time for self discipline anyway? Between FaceBook, Final Fantasy XI, Runescape, and World of Warcraft you're lucky if you have time to eat and go to the bathroom.

Habit #Four: Think Me/Me. Life is too short to spend it considering other people and their problems. Especially those happy effective people who keep going off on how much they've learned through goal setting, prioritizing, and healthy relationships. Whatev. If you can't find happiness after all the thousands of hours you've dedicated thinking only of yourself, then it obviously doesn't exist.

Habit #fif: Seek only to be understood. You know as well as any suicidal songwriter that the key to satisfying relationships is one-sided communication. You've lived a full life of avoidance, indulgence, and delusion and you have a lot to say. Despite your best efforts at consistent self-centeredness life isn't always a bed of roses. All you ask is for a sympathetic ear. But apparently that's too much to ask. At least I think that's what she said. I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

Habit #6: Romanticize. When logic fails to support the benefits of the habits you've formed, you can always rely on fantasy to fill in the gaps. And in fantasy land you can both talk to cats and develop difficult skills simply through your powers of concentration. 4+4=$pegasus. Regardless of your antisocial behavior, people love and want to be around you. If you add "Aneus" onto the end of anything it automatically becomes more magical. And you never have to leave the comfort of your own deuchebuggary.

Habit# last: Dull the Blade. At this point the last thing you want to do is meta cognate. The less you consider where you're headed the more you'll enjoy the downward spiral. Just keep doing whatever it is you do because you're special. Very, very special.