Barbie Confessions

(From left to right) Cinderella, Esther, Brietta, Belle, McKahn, Anaconda, Lullaby, Sleeping Beauty, Violet, Luna, Lollene, Ariel, Perstephanie, and Orea.

These are the dolls my girls play with almost every day. And you may think its all frills and frolic, but I am here to school you; A Barbie's life is not all handbags and bedazzling smiles. Not for these catty princesses anyway. In the Sortor home, a Barbie can expect a life as filled with beatings and drama as your average Lifetime movie.

For as long as I've known her Violet has been imprisoned in a cage. Belle, Lullaby, Lollene, and Orea have all lost their heads in horrific, bloody battle sequences. If Luna has anything to say about it, McKahn's days are numbered, and Brietta and Ariel have at times been forced into same-gender marriages for lack of available Ken dolls. What, you may well ask, became of Ken?

Prince Hindenpad, forced to do battle with the tyrannical Perstephanie, first lost one leg and then the other. Of course, these were mere flesh wounds to a brave soldier such as Hindenpad and made him no less popular amongst the ladies, but when the e-vile pink stuffed dragon took him away to its volcanic lair and then thrust him from the counter top with such brute strength, mighty Hindenpad's body broke upon the stony depths of the kitchenette floor, much to the sorrow of his fourteen lovers, who were now sadly, princeless.

You can imagine my concern for the violence displayed by my little girls towards their favorite toys. This is straight up Barbie abuse. But as I read the book Kids are from Jupiter and the author's similar hilarious accounts of play-aggression in his own children, my fears were calmed, and all visions of future visits to the woman's penitentiary abated. This isn't abnormal behavior for children, not as common in girls, but not altogether unhealthy. As long as they're not torturing grasshoppers or drawing anarchy symbols on Raggedy Ann we're good. Maybe they'll be dentists someday.

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People

Habit #Uno: Be inactive. A rad dude once said, "Everything I learned, I absorbed through the placenta." Because let's face it- learning is dumb. It often requires time, effort, and admitting that you don't already know everything, which is no fun at all. Its a lot more fun doing whatever the heck you feel like all the while maintaining that you're such a genius the normal rules of study, hard work, and social etiquette don't apply to you. After all, what does success matter when you can skate through life on pure, unadulterated cerebellum?

Habit # Deux: Begin with no end in mind. Unless your goals include eating your weight in Krispie Kremes, perfecting your Christopher Walken impersonation, or simply being kickass (which you know you already are), goal setting is lame. If you never set goals you'll never feel bad about yourself when you inevitably fail to reach them.

Habit # tri: Prioritize. Who has time for self discipline anyway? Between FaceBook, Final Fantasy XI, Runescape, and World of Warcraft you're lucky if you have time to eat and go to the bathroom.

Habit #Four: Think Me/Me. Life is too short to spend it considering other people and their problems. Especially those happy effective people who keep going off on how much they've learned through goal setting, prioritizing, and healthy relationships. Whatev. If you can't find happiness after all the thousands of hours you've dedicated thinking only of yourself, then it obviously doesn't exist.

Habit #fif: Seek only to be understood. You know as well as any suicidal songwriter that the key to satisfying relationships is one-sided communication. You've lived a full life of avoidance, indulgence, and delusion and you have a lot to say. Despite your best efforts at consistent self-centeredness life isn't always a bed of roses. All you ask is for a sympathetic ear. But apparently that's too much to ask. At least I think that's what she said. I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

Habit #6: Romanticize. When logic fails to support the benefits of the habits you've formed, you can always rely on fantasy to fill in the gaps. And in fantasy land you can both talk to cats and develop difficult skills simply through your powers of concentration. 4+4=$pegasus. Regardless of your antisocial behavior, people love and want to be around you. If you add "Aneus" onto the end of anything it automatically becomes more magical. And you never have to leave the comfort of your own deuchebuggary.

Habit# last: Dull the Blade. At this point the last thing you want to do is meta cognate. The less you consider where you're headed the more you'll enjoy the downward spiral. Just keep doing whatever it is you do because you're special. Very, very special.